My Computer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

The English Language

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

More Important Lingual Questions:

Q: And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Q: If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

Q: One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Q: One index, 2 indices?

Q: Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

Q: If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Q: If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

Q: If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Q: Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

Q: In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Q: How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex
happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a short time and you are so
horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each
other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when
you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You
get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

New Diet

I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty-pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door, he was laughing so hard.

Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.  Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.  Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!  Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.  Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.  This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" 
The man says, "Yep, I sure do." 

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" 
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't." 
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" 
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Lawyers

Q - Lawyer
A - Doctor

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant, "Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

The Ultimate College Final

FINAL EXAMINATION

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1) H I S T O R Y

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on
its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise,
and specific.

2) M E D I C I N E

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until
your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G

Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.

4) B I O L O G Y

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5) M U S I C

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6) P S Y C H O L O G Y

Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work,
making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7) S O C I O L O G Y

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each
terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications
interface and all necessary control programs.


9) E N G I N E E R I N G

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed
in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual,
printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be
admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

10) E C O N O M I C S

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this
method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.

11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your
position.

13) P H Y S I C S

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.

14) P H I L O S O P H Y

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.

15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

* * E X T R A C R E D I T * *

Define the universe; give three examples.

How To Tell Republicans From Democrats

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.

Issue:
Criminals: Democrats: Give them a second chance.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

The poor: Democrats: Give them some food.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

Endangered species: Democrats: Give them protection.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

Dictators: Democrats: Give them a way out.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

The uninsured: Democrats: Give them health care.
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

*The cost: Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

VOTE DEMOCRAT -- IT'S EASIER THAN WORKING !!!

VOTE REPUBLICAN -- IT'S EASIER THAN THINKING !!!

Murphy's Law The correct, *original* Murphy's Law reads:

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.

This is a principle of defensive design, cited here because it is usually given in mutant forms less descriptive of the challenges of design for users.  For example, you don't make a two-pin plug symmetrical and then label it `THIS WAY UP'; if it matters which way it is plugged in, then you make the design asymmetrical. 

Edward A. Murphy, Jr. was one of the engineers on the rocket-sled experiments that were done by the U.S. Air Force in 1949 to test human acceleration tolerances (USAF project MX981).  One experiment involved a set of 16 accelerometers mounted to different parts of the subject's body.  There were two ways each sensor could be glued to its mount, and somebody methodically installed all 16 the wrong way around.  Murphy then made the original form of his pronouncement, which the test subject (Major John Paul Stapp) quoted at a news conference a few days later.

Within months `Murphy's Law' had spread to various technical cultures connected to aerospace engineering.  Before too many years had gone by variants had passed into the popular imagination, changing as they went.  Most of these are variants on Anything that can go wrong, will; this is correctly referred to as Finagle's Law.  The memetic drift apparent in these mutants clearly demonstrates Murphy's Law acting on itself!

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

Men Are Just Happy People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don' t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are Happy.

Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week!"

Make the woman happy!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy! Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.


Simple Duties

-------------

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes

   in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck

   pulls away.................................................... -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1

You leave them under the bed...................................... -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners

   with wings.................................................... +5

But return with beer.............................................. -5

You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly

   to the next bathroom......................................... -2

You make the bed.................................................. +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5

You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10

It's her father................................................... -10


Social Engagements

------------------

You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a

   college drinking buddy........................................ -2

Named Tiffany..................................................... -4

Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6

Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze

   at her lovingly.............................................. +1

When mingling, you introduce her as the ol' ball and chain

    and pat her on the rump...................................... -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if

   you think she is attractive, you say, Yes, but nowhere near

   as attractive as you........................................ +1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's

   attractive, you say, Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy

   in bed...................................................... -6

That woman is her sister.......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18


Things Of A Disgusting Nature

-----------------------------

You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7

You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8

You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12

You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16


Saturday Afternoon

------------------

You go to the mall together....................................... +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then

   park the car.................................................. +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive

   to a sports bar............................................... -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3

Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15

Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16

Or rewiring the basement...........................................+17

Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15

You visit her parents............................................. +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3

And the television is off......................................... -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6

And you didn't even go to college................................. -10

And it's not your underwear....................................... -15


Her Birthday

------------

You take her out to dinner........................................ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is

   painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up

   and sing...................................................... +4

And you stink..................................................... +2

And you're not half bad........................................... +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out

   to much applause.............................................. -2

You give her a gift............................................... 0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40


Thoughtfulness

--------------

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50


A Night Out With The Boys

-------------------------

Go out with a pal................................................. -5

And the pal is happily married.................................... -4

Or frighteningly single........................................... -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers.............................................. -9

And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200


Her Night Out

-------------

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work

   friends....................................................... +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home

   late.......................................................... +10

You wait up....................................................... +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,

   but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25

Which you clean up................................................ +35


A Night At Home

---------------

You watch TV together............................................. 0

You rent a movie.................................................. +1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2


A Night Out

-----------

You take her to a movie........................................... +2

You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6

You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2

It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7

Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and

   sheepdogs..................................................... -15


Flowers

-------

You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25



Your Physique

-------------

You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

   Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5


Grooming

--------

You trim your nails............................................... +5

You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15

You shave on the weekends......................................... +2

You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4

You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8

But then, neither does she........................................ +8


Finances

--------

You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5

Something she can't use........................................... -10

Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20

And your kid needs braces......................................... -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120


Driving

-------

You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close

   and personal.................................................. -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60


The Big Question

----------------

She asks, Do I look fat?........................................ -5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding....................................... -10

You reply, Where?............................................... -25


Communication

-------------

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying

   what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

Movie and TV Quips

In the Stepford Wives, Bette Midler says
"All the women are sex kitten bimbos, all the men are nerds, doesn't' that seem strange to you."

Nicole Kidman says, "No, I work in Hollywood"

In "As Good as It Gets"
How to write for a women, .." think of a man, ..then take away reason and accountability...

Where do they teach you to talk like this? asks Nicholson. Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

In A Mighty Wind

Mitch's post break up with Mickey albums
Cry for Help (containing such singles as "If I Had A Gun" and "Anyone But You"), Songs From A Dark Place, and Calling it Quits.

In True Blood

Character 1 "It's always something out there that gets all the blame or all the credit,"
Character 2 "whether it's Jesus or gin."

Random

Our Vendors : They always apologize for the inconvenience, but I do not believe they are sincere.

Your just jealous because the voices talk to me

We are actively misinformed.

When god made me he was showing off.

Let me pour salt in that wound

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. - Mae West

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it. - Upton Sinclair

From Gene Weingarten, humor writer for Washington Post

A Cosa Nostra godfather summons his bookkeeper. Because the bookkeeper is deaf, his bookkeeper's cousin comes, too, to act as an interpreter. The don says to the bookkeeper: "There's $5 million missing, and I think you know where it is." The cousin interprets this, and the agitated bookkeeper signs his answer back, which the cousin interprets: "He says he doesn't know anything about this! He says he'd never steal a penny from you, Godfather!" The don reaches into a pocket and produces a gun, which he lays on the table.

"Tell him to tell me where the money is, or I will blow his brains out right now."

The cousin signs this. The bookkeeper frantically signs back: "It's in a suitcase in the attic of my summer house in Montauk."

And the cousin says: "He says you don't got the balls."

Arte Johnson's Dirty Old Man on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, harassing Ruth Buzzi's Little Old Lady at the bus stop: "Do you believe in the hereafter?" he asks her. "Of course I do," she says, prompting his leering reply:
"Then you know what I'm hereafter."

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen

Haiku Error Messages

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan:


The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the
Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A brief guide to American newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Times is read by those who allow the lunatic fringe to tell them what to think. Those readers also watch Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh.

4. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

5. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

6. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country - if they could find the time - and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

7. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

8. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

9. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. This newspaper is owned by Rupert Murdoch (he also owns Fox News). It is slanted to the right of Genghis Kahn.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The British newspaper, The Sun, is read mostly by working class Englishmen. It is also owned by right wing news mogul Rupert Murdoch. Its saving grace is that it contains spicy photos of gorgeous chicks.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country... or that anyone is running it.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people who swear by its authenticity. It is also read by those trapped in line at the grocery store. These readers tend to actually think that they are being informed when they read about elephants mating with beach mice, Hillary being seen making love with an alien on a UFO, and Elvis doing K-Mart shopping in Michigan.

Who Needs a Man???

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want,get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand...

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...

Get a CAT!

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Interesting fact about Hellmann's Mayonnaise:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

"Frightened" : Shel Silverstein


"There are kids underneath my bed,"
Cried little baby monster Fred.
Momma monster smiled. "Oh, Fred,
There's no such things as kids," she said.

Signs

Over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in. "

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Pats AutoBody - 617 628-7500, We meet by Accident