Wit

Wit is educated insolence. -Aristotle

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. -Barry Switzer

The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. -Robert Frost

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process. -John F. Kennedy

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. -Peter De Vries

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. -Bertrand Russell

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.-Abraham Maslow

Remember, even a kick in the ass is a step forward. -Willie Heath

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. -Peter Drucker

They used to say that knowledge is power. I used to think so, but I now know that they mean money. -Lord Byron

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -John Kenneth Galbraith

Winston Churchill was at a dinner party and one of his political opponents, a certain Lady Astor (I think), was arguing with him. She finally said: "Sir, you are drunk", to which he replied, "True, madam, and you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. -Mitch Ratliffe, Technology Review.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -John Kenneth Galbraith

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. -Frank Zappa

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. -Dilbert

A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library. -Westheimer's Discovery

No one in this world, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. -H.L. Mencken

We are, to put it mildly, in a mess, and there is a strong chance that we shall have exterminated ourselves by the end of the century. Our only consolation will have to be that, as a species, we have had an exciting term of office. -Desmond Morris

Humans -The most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature suffered to crawl on the surface of the planet.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. -H.L. Mencken

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats - H.L. Mencken

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule--and both commonly succeed, and are right. -H. L. Mencken

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch. -Fred Allen

'Top' management is supposed to be a tree full of owls hooting when management heads into the wrong part of the forest. I'm still unpersuaded they even know where the forest is. -Robert Townsend

If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on top of each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. -Norman Augustine

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks. -Eric Sevareid

Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -Adlai Stevenson

The indispensable requirement for a good newspaper--as eager to tell a lie as the truth. -Norman Mailer

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -Edsger W. Dijkstra

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain [Puddin'head Wilson]

I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed. -Mark Twain

If we ask, we are sure to kick some sleeping dogs somewhere. -W. Wilson, lobbyist

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -Winston Churchill

A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker. -H.L. Mencken

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -Milton Berle

When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I always pay it extra. -Lewis Carroll

Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes.

Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits. -Samuel Butler

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -George Burns

The trick is to stop thinking it as 'your' money. -IRS auditor

God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; heads you win-tails you lose.

The trick is to structure your question so that the answer No gets you what you want.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Health Tip: It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add five minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

The chief cause of problems is solutions. -Eric Sevareid

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. -Robert W. Kent

When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin. -Mae West

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. -Dennis Wholey

Whenever I have to decide between two evils, I always choose the one I haven't tried before. -Mae West

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself...

Love many, hate few, learn to paddle your own canoe.-American Proverb

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. —Howard Aiken

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . -Woody Allen

Your argument is sound, nothing but sound. -Benjamin Franklin

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. -Vince Lombardi

You have all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Sir Winston Churchill mis quoted

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice note saying I approved of it - Mark Twain

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like. - Jean Cocteau

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. - Frank Sinatra

"Sounds like you could use some church time, brother."
     "If you can't teach morality without superstition or hope without false promises of eternal life, brother,
      the human animal has probably outlived its usefulness , .." - The Final Country - James Crumley

Kingsley Amis

Dixon was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of the morning. The light did him harm, but not as much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he'd somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.

Gary

You have a bad Hangover when you're afraid you are going to Live!

The real world is usually a lot messier than the written accounts of it.

Dorothy Parker

THEORY

Into love and out again,

Thus I went and thus I go.

Spare your voice, and hold your pen:

Well and bitterly I know

All the songs were ever sung,

All the words were ever said;

Could it be, when I was young,

Someone dropped me on my head?

 

My love runs by like a day in June,

And he makes no friends of sorrows.

He'll tread his galloping rigadoon

In the pathway or the morrows.

He'll live his days where the sunbeams start

Nor could storm or wind uproot him.

My own dear love, he is all my heart -

And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

 

Oscar Hammrstein (King Mongkut)

There are times I think I am not sure of what I absolutely know

Very often find confusion in conclusion I concluded long ago

In my head are many facts that as a student I studied to be true

In my head are many facts of which I am not certain I am sure

 

Alexander Pope

Sir, I admit your general rule

That every poet is a fool;

But you yourself may serve to show it,

That every fool is not a poet.

 

Joachim Miller

In men whom men condemn as ill

I find so much of goodness still,

In men whom men pronounce divine

I find so much of sin and blot,

I do not dare to draw the line

Between the two, where God has not.

 

Lakenan Barnes, Pepper... And Salt

Paronomasia

Having fun

Is the measure of pleasure

And so the pun

Is the pleasure I treasure.

But the trouble is,

Others at me scoff--

For what turns me on

Turns all of them off.