The Boston Driver's Handbook: Wild in the Streets--The Almost Post Big Dig Edition
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can
cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange
construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never
uses them. In Boston it may be illegal.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the
car in front of you, or the space will be promptly filled in by somebody else,
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with
the flow.
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
getting hit.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Massachusetts
is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has practically nothing to
lose.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS
kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For
those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass
the last exit before the backup.
9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there for information.
They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you
from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently
not enforceable during rush hour.
12. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn’t mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t
think he can go faster in your spot.
13. Please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason.
Try to stay on the road.
14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone
is just changing a tire.
15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway
Crews something to clean up.
16. It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed
in the event you need to make up a few minutes in your travel.
17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving
thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers’
reflexes.
18. It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don’t move
the instant the light changes.
19. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except
in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
20. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before
proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop and then decide which direction to
turn.
21. Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first,
by whatever means necessary.
22. Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on panty-hose, apply eye makeup
and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.
23. Real Massachusetts male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five
miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours.
24. Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.